Not Just a Spoonful..... But a Ladel Full of Love!

Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other. (The Family: A Proclamation to the World, para. 6)

Please take a couple minutes and watch this endearing short message of how couples express love to one another.

Isn't that the sweetest thing? Watching this video made me think of the little things my husband does for me. John and I have been married for 18 wonderful years, and  he still refers to me and always introduces me as his bride.  I imagine when we are old and gray, rocking in our chairs, that he will still call me his bride, and I'll still feel as lucky then to be his bride as I was the day we were married.

But let's be honest..... every day of married life isn't always peaches and cream. The honeymoon period is just that; a segment of time full of bliss and excitement as two independent people form a union, eager to share their lives together. But then something happens.... reality! Maybe the ad below sounds familiar to some???

What an example this couple is of patience: use it before you lose it! Sigh..... I know I could improve in that area, that is for sure. It seems like patience is a huge attribute to acquire for newly married couples, with so many opinions, ideas, and personality traits that are brought together. I love this example from Elder Bruce C. Hafen, "A bride sighed blissfully on her wedding day, 'Mom, I'm at the end of all my troubles!' 'Yes,' replied her mother, 'but at which end?'" (Successful Marriages & Families, pg.33 ). I had to laugh after I read that. Oh.... to be young and in love.

I posed a question on Facebook recently asking what married couples wish they knew ahead of time, or what advice they would have for those about to be married. Some responses are highlighted in blue throughout the post, and some I've included here:

*  It's not about me. Marriage is about serving your spouse and doing so willingly, endlessly and with true joy. And ultimately it's about what brings God glory.
        • Don't lose the laughter.
       • You marry your spouses' family and all that comes with it.
       • Spend time in God's Word and in prayer together.

* I wish I had known that September is elk hunting season. (I had to include this one, I thought it was so funny!) 

 * I would recommend learning more about communication, personality types, love language, right brain/left brain, do a strength finder test to get to know yourself better, and be able to understand more about the people you are dating and why they might act the way they do, etc. 

* Falling in love is easy, and courtship comes easy at first. It was a slap in the face to me, how hard marriage and unconditional love really is. It's SO important that we make a wise choice in our partner, not just an emotional one.....and that we stay truly committed to each other.  

* I wish I had known that I would have to repeat myself. A lot. And that my husband can't read my mind.

Such varied and honest responses, and maybe you don't necessarily relate to them all, but in each of them is some advice that can be applied to married life in one form or another.  So how do we get our marriages to start off on the right foot, with BOTH feet planted, from both the husband and wife, firmly in the ground on solid foundation? From the text Successful Marriages and Families, Stephen F. Duncan and Sara S. McCarty Zasukha outline six foundational processes that couples can use in their lives to help their marriage blossom.

Foundational Process #1: Personal Commitment to the Marriage Covenant

From the Family Proclamation we read: "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God" (para. 1), "husband and wife have a solemn duty to love and care for each other" (para. 6), "marriage.... is essential to His eternal plan" (para. 7).  As members of the LDS church, we believe that when we are sealed, or married, in the temples we have made covenants as a couple with God and that these covenants are founded on the teachings of Jesus Christ (pg. 28). Elder Bednar, an apostle in our church, explains this relationship in the diagram below.

                                                                     The Savior

                                             Husband                                         Wife

"The Savior is positioned at the apex of this triangle, with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the base of the other corner. Now consider what happens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they individually and steadily 'come unto Christ' and strive to be 'perfected in Him' (Moroni 10:32). Because of and through the Redeemer, the man and woman come closer together" (pg. 28).

One of my favorite quotes comes from another apostle, Elder Robert D. Hales where he said:

 "An eternal bond doesn't just happen as a result of sealing covenants we make in the temple. How we conduct ourselves in this life will determine what we will be in all the eternities to come. To receive the blessings of the sealing that our Heavenly Father has given to us, we have to keep the commandments and conduct ourselves in such a way that our families will want to live with us in the eternities" (pg.29). 

The best piece of advice I received on my wedding day came through a written card. In it the woman wrote, "Remember the feelings you had for your husband as you knelt at the altar, because it will be those feelings that will carry you through the hard times that come." I think of that often and ponder also on the feeling that we had a binding covenant with the Lord as well that has helped us through the trials we've encountered. 

Foundational Process #2: Love & Friendship

* I would also say be best friends before marriage! Too often we have a list of what we WANT in our future spouse. I think we would be wiser to have a list for CAN NOT HAVE. Weaknesses have a tendency to stick with us as challenges forever. For example if you're a neat freak, you know that being married to a slob will be a bone of contention maybe your whole marriage. Or if you hate to spend money, then marrying a shopaholic will be really hard. It's important to know each other's biggest weaknesses. If you can handle those, then you'll do much better and be much happier!

  * Make time for each other no matter how crazy your schedule gets.

  * Look for ways to bless your spouse... daily. Especially important to do when you don't feel like it or they don't deserve it.

* Just know your communication style as well as your spouse's, how they like to show love and how they want to be shown love. Know that marriage isn't a feeling it's a path of growth and a lifetime of experiences.

Duncan and Zasukha suggest, "Sometimes our couple conversation is all about the business of life: the job, the kids, problems. Of course, these things need to be handled, but it is also important to simply talk as friends" (pg 31). 

Foundational Process #3: Positive Interaction

This is where I feel it is so important for us to remember why we married our spouse to begin with. We were willing to take the flaws that came and live with them. 

* Never speak ill of your spouse... no matter how badly they deserve it. 

President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "I have witnessed much of the best and much of the worst in marriage...... Faultfinding replaces praise. When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it. But if we will concentrate on the best, that element will grow until it sparkles" (pg. 32).

Foundational Process #4 & 5: Accepting Influence from One's Spouse

 & 

                                           Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems

* We all need to be heard, truly listened to... especially what we are saying BEHIND our words not just the actual words.

   * Be a team. Be on the same page. Work together -  not against each other.

* My wife and I dated for two years before we were married. One question we asked each other was this: Visualize that someday your grandchildren will be seated around the dinner table and one of them will be asked by their grandchildren...."Grandma, tell me about your grandma" What do you want them to say?  The answer to that question is how you should live your life. You can't fake it inside your family. They know you better than anyone else. They see you at your best and at your worst. What you want them to remember and pass onto their children, grandchildren about what kind of a person you were is how you need to live you life. It is who they will remember. That is your true legacy.

* Biggest thing I can think of, and it takes both parties to be in on it together, is to learn to "Get Over It". Fights are bound to happen but when they do just let it go. You don't need to dwell on it for hours, days, or even months.... Just forgive and forget.

* I don't know if I wished I had known, but I learned really fast about the difference between listening and hearing. And hearing without pre- thinking what I'm going to say. I also learned the no-no words not to say in a fight " you always...you never...."

 

Who doesn't want to be heard? We all want validation and respect for our thoughts and opinions. Our spouse should certainly be the one we can go to, to confide to and be an influence on. 

Some steps Duncan and Zasukha suggest are:

Prevention

Eliminate destructive patterns

Calm yourself first

Bring up the concern softly, gently, and privately

Learn to make and receive repair attempts

Soothe yourself and each other

Reach a consensus about a solution  (pg. 33-34)

Foundational Process #6: Continuing Courtship through the years

* Men... never stop courting your wives. Ever!

One thing John and I have tried to do these last 18 years is continue dating. Countless Friday nights have been set aside for date night. It isn't weekly, but it has been often. The dates don't have to be lavish, expensive or fancy. Be creative. Just do something. Make the effort of nourishing your marriage.

I want to end this blog post with a sweet, touching video of one man's love for his wife as he lovingly takes care of her while they both suffer from physical ailments. I feel it sums up beautifully the admonition that "Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other."