When Parenting Alone

In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed. (The Family: A Proclamation to the World, para. 7)

This blog post is dedicated to those who happen to find themselves as a single parent and have concerns raising children in the gospel. Please take a few moments and listen to this brief talk by Elder Baxter, speaking directly to single parents.

I found Elder Baxter's words to be so comforting and encouraging. I know that the leaders of our church care for all mothers and fathers, regardless of their marital status. But having said that, there are still real concerns that many single parents face with raising their children, and feeling adequate enough for the task. Our prophets and leaders, and especially Heavenly Father, knew, that while the ideal family setting is with both parents in the home rearing their children, it would not always be the case. That is why they understand that family adaptation is necessary. Single parents can still teach their children to live the gospel standards with faith.

In the book, Successful Marriages and Families, Hart, Newell, and Haupt say, "Despite many similarities among modern-day families, each family has unique circumstances that affect the way parents raise their children" (pg. 103).  They also encourage, "In parenting, mothers and fathers have the challenge and opportunity to apply general principles derived from inspired sources and adapt them to their individual and family circumstances as they diligently strive to meet their children's physical, emotional, and spiritual needs" (pg. 103).

Ellen is a single mom having recently returned to activity in the church and is raising two teenage children. Ellen was not raised in the church, and her children are not members, but her daughter has taken interest in the church and she wants to support her in this. Her question is two-fold.

1) How do you support one child embracing the gospel and the other who has no interest?

2) How do you raise a teenager in the gospel when I, myself, was not a member of the church as a teenager?

Sandy, a life-long member, had this to say:

I think she will have to rely on the young women's leaders and the For Strength of Youth pamphlet. My mom was a convert so she raised an LDS daughter even though she had never been an LDS teen herself. She should set the same standards for both children - not because the church says so but because it's something she wants to do. Even if they both were interested in the church that doesn't mean their experience and reactions to things would be the same.

Julie, an adult convert to the church said:

I was thinking about one of my husband's brothers who left the Church. I remember, we would invite him to family dinners and birthdays and he would never come. We finally realized the reason: He was afraid of being judged, afraid of comments about why he wasn't at church. We still loved him and it was so hard to see him feeling bad. We knew he was on his own spiritual journey and we still have hope that one day he will come back to church. But if he never does, he knows we love him and he is important in our family.

Although LDS missions, temple marriages, and baptisms were events that deserve celebrating, there were other wonderful things in this earth life to celebrate too: College graduations, new jobs, new babies, weddings, etc. Although I am still in the process of raising my children, I will be proud of all of them and their accomplishments, both of eternal nature and earthly temporal blessings.

One of the blessings we have as members of the church are the various resources available to us in assisting with our responsibilities as parents. As Sandy mentioned, utilizing the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet will help Ellen greatly in establishing guidelines for her children. One of my favorite websites is the Mormon Channel. There are many short little videos, such as the one's I post regularly on this blog, and many inspiring lectures to help us in bringing good media into our homes. From there you can listen to people around the world talk about their trials and triumphs and how the gospel helps them in their individual family circumstances. But with all there is at our fingertips, and as hard as we try to teach our children to live good honest lives, we must remember they have their agency. 

I have a friend, Jilyn, who is a single mother in the church. I asked her to share her perspective specifically for this post. She says:

I’m so grateful for the opportunity I have to raise my daughter. I’m grateful for the opportunity I have to be able to raise her in a gospel centered household and have the gospel the center of our lives. It's so fun to be able to see those milestones where she learns how to pray and is so excited to have family home evening. We have pictures of Jesus and the temple in our house and she loves going to see the temple and even inside the waiting room. She has her own Book of Mormon and Bible and knows some of the pictures that are inside of it. She also looks forward to church and the opportunity to go to “my class” as she calls it, which is nursery.

I’m so glad I have the gospel as a base in my house. Most single women don’t have a priesthood holder in the home, but for me, I’m fortunate to be living with both my mother and father and my dad is a worthy priesthood holder. Living with my parents and having frequent contact with family, my daughter has a wonderful role model between both of her grandparents and uncles on both sides of the family.

Jilyn is blessed to have her parents helping her at this time of her life, and as they do that, they are fulfilling the words of the proclamation that say:  Extended families should lend support when needed.

Hart, Newell, and Haupt stated, "Some children, despite gospel-centered teaching in the home, will use their agency to make decisions that take them far from parental values. In these cases, good judgment is needed to strike the right balance between love and law" (pg. 113).

What I would say to Ellen, is to keep on doing what you're doing, setting a good example to your daughter who is embracing the gospel, as well as your son, who for now, is not showing an interest. The standards the church teaches ARE for everyone, regardless of our membership. I would say to Ellen that all that is expected of us is our best effort, and that the moral values you are teaching your children now will reap benefits we may not see at the moment. Said President Hinckley,  

"Of all the joys of life, none other equals that of happy parenthood. Of all the responsibilities with which we struggle, none other is so serious. To rear children in an atmosphere of love, security, and faith is the most rewarding of all challenges. The good result from such efforts becomes life's most satisfying compensation" (pg.115).

To conclude this post, I've added a short video of Ann, a single mom who has learned through her trials the importance of being a good example to her children.